NUTS & DOLTS: THOSE WACKY, FUN-LOVIN' "ROLLING COAL" KIDS IN WEST VIRGINIA

Just in case you haven't heard or read about it, the newest source of entertainment for idiots is called "Rolling Coal." 

The Mensa candidates involved in "Rolling Coal" are typically young to middle-aged white anti-environmentalists who, lacking both an argument and the ability to make one---if they had one---using compound sentences, have decided to make a non-verbal political statement of sorts.

They begin by modifying the engines of their pickup trucks such that, at any given moment, they can quickly increase the amount of fuel flow to the engine.  Excess fuel does not combust properly in an engine and thus exits the exhaust system in the form of a huge plume of jet-black soot.

As you might imagine, the capacity to fire "a huge plume of jet-black soot" at will from the exhaust of one's pickup truck can imbue one with a special aura of cool while cruising the main drag of a small West Virginia mining town on Friday night.

But what gives "Rollers" a special place in the hierarchy of cool-ness is that they have further modified their trucks such that they can "target" the plume of soot that fires out of their exhaust systems.

It can be targeted vertically---i.e., it just goes straight up into the air---or it can be targeted horizontally.  The former provides one with a real opportunity to make a pro-coal, anti-environmental statement because of its visibility.  The latter, however, allows one to make the same type of statement in a more direct, focused, even personal way.

A Toyota Prius following too closely behind you?

From the cabin of your truck, you can maneuver your exhaust pipe and aim it such that your "huge plume of jet-black soot" is fired directly back into the windshield of the hated Prius.

The old, Woodstock-era VW van in front of you has a Greenpeace bumper sticker plastered amongst the other stickers that identify the occupants as godless, soul-less communists?

Pass the van, give a friendly wave to those inside, pull in front of it and, as you did with the Prius, set your coordinates, start pumping extra fuel into your truck engine and, well, fire away.

But by far-and-away the coolest statement you can make to pesky climate-change freaks takes the form of a drive-by during an environmental protest march during which you target your "huge plume of jet-black soot" right into the faces of protesters on either side of or behind your truck.

Can you say "Local Hero"?    

The precision "targeting" is made possible by the installation in your truck of what the Rolling Coal community calls a "smoke stack."

The "smoke stack" kits are readily available online or can be purchased in the gift shop of any Koch Brothers or Duke Power facility, but it is worth noting that they are a bit pricey.  In other words, it can be an expensive way to signal your dislike of environmentalists in general and anti-fossil fuel protesters in particular---the equipment costs several thousand dollars and the money spent on it and on extra fuel might be better used to make child support payments or perhaps to make the switch from PBR to Coors.

But, it's a way of getting your voice heard---even if it has to be heard over the sound of people laughing at you.  And, after all, what true believer really cares whether people are laughing at him/her or not?    

As one member of the Rolling Coal movement put it,  "When I turn loose a cloud of soot on a Prius all filled with people pushing solar power, it's my way of giving them coal-hating city-slickers the finger.  It's like I'm saying to them, 'You want clean air?  Well, screw you.'"

As I said, Mensa candidates.